Nia: Purpose
As I write about my purpose on the day of Nia, I sit here on the same floor where the beginning of redefining my purpose started. In 2012 I was on the floor on all four hyperventilating because I had just failed three classes three semesters in a row. In that moment my dream of being an Obstetrician/Gynecologist was slipping out of my future like the tears from the corners of my eyes. With every tear falling to the hardwood floor of my bedroom, fell the hopes that I had for a future that my family could be proud of. I couldn’t catch my breath and I couldn’t think past my bodily reaction. I felt dizzy and I couldn’t ground myself in reassurance. I was filled with anxiety and felt like all the things I told myself that I would be able to do. I had never faced that form of failure in my academic career. I didn’t know how to handle failure or not being an academic scholar. Through my tears, I dialed my sister. I called her crying and still gasping for air. I asked her if it would be okay if I didn’t continue to take pre-med courses. She spoke to me in a calm reassuring voice and normalized my experience. She normalized my second thoughts and she normalized my change of mind. I wiped my tears and walked into the bathroom to wash my face.
I took some deep breaths while standing in front of the mirror and allowed the last of my tears to come down my face. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I was ashamed of myself thus I thought my family would be ashamed of me. I thought about the number of times my dad had spoken from the pulpit telling the members of the church that I was studying pre-med or the number of times my mother told her friends and coworkers about my aspirations. Young and feeling the pressure to be perfect, I thought I had to be right about where I was going in life. I was naïve and unkind to myself at that age but I did not yet know how to be: my parents didn’t have the capacity to do so. That moment, now looking, back on it was a vital moment in my progression and a vital moment in me finding my purpose. What I had promised my family I would be was prematurely vocalized and because I was too afraid of disappointing them, I didn’t give myself room to even think about other possibilities. At the foundation of who I was, and who I am today, I wanted to be a help to others. Looking back on at my experiences, there were moments that has been defined by my desire to help others.
I had this conversation with my therapist a couple months ago. She pointed out to me that my desire to create safety may be due to me having the feeling of safety taken away from me at such a young age. Growing up in the hood: having the constant threat of police violence and gang violence outside. Experiencing my sister’s boyfriend and my cousin in caskets before I was 12 years old didn’t help either. I was trying to help other people feel safe because I know what it’s like to not feel safe. This thought process, as I matured, turned into the profession that I am now in. My environment and experiences created a coping skill of sublimation. I turned the harsh trauma of growing up in a violent and underserved community while experiencing violent death into a goal to help others. My purpose, until two years ago, was that I was doing it for my cousin Willie. I was doing it because he didn’t have a chance to finish school. That purpose was the fuel I needed to get to the graduation stage to celebrate my Masters of Social Work degree. At some point, that fuel ran out and my purpose was blurry.
In therapy, this year, I learned that my purpose had to be redrafted and curated based on my own desires. I knew my career aligned with the more healed part of my purpose my second year of graduate school but I wanted to shape my purpose around who I am without the title of being a therapist. My purpose is more than just to give to others. I know I am no one’s martyr. My purpose is much more than a cyclical act of sacrifice in order to appease others. I am still on this journey of understanding my purpose in life. At my foundation, yes I have a strong desire to create safety for others, but a part of that is learning that my purpose is also to create that for myself. My journey in finding my purpose has placed me on a path toward reparenting my younger hurt self. My purpose, right now in this moment, is to surround myself joy, unwavering love, empathy, and compassion. This change in focus has been grounding and restorative for me. My purpose is to live freely and restoratively. My purpose is to live life presently and with humility. My purpose is to be gentle with myself and my experiences. My purpose is to be in community with others that remind me to stay true to my purpose; those who see me for who I truly am. I was constantly searching for purpose as if it wasn’t already in me and as if it wouldn’t formulate naturally as I experience life more. The most important parts of purpose is adaptability, patience, and kindness.
My purpose is much more than my career. Even though I love my career, I know that this is not meant to define my existence. I did my part by listening to my spirit and picking Social Work as a career, but now it is time to continue to build a foundation that connects me to self and creates a purpose outside of career. When it is all said and done, my purpose is to live and exist in love. My purpose is to continue to nurture myself and see myself worthy of accept nurturing. As a Black man, this has been extremely difficult. This year I have felt worthless, depressed, anxious, lost, and exhausted but I’ve also felt loved, excited, joyful, and blessed. My purpose right now, at this young age of 27, is to be in an emotional, mental, spiritual space that can guide me through life. At this point, my purpose, as cheesy as it sounds is to heal my emotional wounds, so I can love myself, love those around me, and accept love.
