Kuumba: Creativity
I actually smirked at this theme for Kwanzaa when I woke up this morning. I smirked because I was just speaking to a group of friends about the way my creativity has shifted. When I was younger, I used to write poetry. I would write these long poems mainly about love. It started my junior year of high school and continued throughout undergrad. I would post my poems on Facebook and read how people would react. I would take request and use the prompts to create a poem to that person’s liking. I would also write poems with my close friend and go stanza by stanza. It was a beautiful time of creativity and helped me feel close to my emotions. I took this skill into college and one day my best friend Tashaun asked me to think about rapping on some of the beats he was creating. I wasn’t sure about doing this because I didn’t like my voice and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to rap. The first song full song I created wasn’t on a beat of his. Instead, it was a beat from guy that we knew of through playing Xbox Live.
My first full song was Introspect. I took that song and just tried my best to create more music. I started to use music to talk about my past traumas. I used music to talk about systemic injustice and the fears that I have internalized because of the real danger that Black people face. I spoke about existing in fear and hope at the same time. My music was my therapy. It was the way I was able to talk about the senseless murders I heard of and the funerals I had to attend. I spoke about the hurt and the pain because I was still trying to heal. Music allowed for others to hear my story but it also allowed me to hide pieces of my pain behind instrumentals. There were things that I said on tracks that I didn’t know how to say to my loved ones. Music allowed for the emotions to be a little more distant. A couple years after I created my first EP with the significant help and support of Claine and Atilano, I created another EP that was much closer to how I was feeling. I used the EP to expose the reality of my own depression and trauma. At this point I knew I grew up with PTSD, which turned into depression and anxiety later on down the line.
In the project, Cleanse, I had to stop multiple times in between takes due to either crying or almost crying while rapping. The purpose of Cleanse is to look into the experience of navigating through depression and anxiety. It is to use the concept of water as a both a grave and a place for cleansing. As dangerous as water can be, water can also be used to purify. A body of water can be a raging ocean or a calm fresh water lake. There are bodies of water that have seen Black people sink to the bottom of it while there are bodies of water that have Christened children and baptized adults. I love this project because it is the project that I felt most raw and vulnerable with. This EP also made me realize that I needed to go to therapy. Listening to the songs now, I realize how close I was to starting the healing journey but I needed more assistance. As a therapist, I could only do so much without professional help through my insecurities and unhealed trauma.
The more I progressed in therapy, the less I desired to make music. I began to fall in love with listening to music again but making music didn’t cross my mind. I also felt the antics that came with being a rapper didn’t align with who I wanted to be. I wanted to be less performative and being an up-and-coming rapper was the exact opposite. Whether it was performing on a stage, consistently posting on Instagram, and doing small events, I felt like I could do without. I knew it wasn’t the life for me. I just enjoyed being creative. Recently, my creativity has shift into other places. I have invested in new ideas that align with who I am becoming as a man. I put my creativity into my Instagram and blog posts. I’ve also held myself accountable by making sure I am not feeding into the pressure of having to post every day. This form of creativity feels natural and it also feels like me right now in this moment. Maybe music will come back around to me and I will be inspired to create another project but, for now, what I am doing with Black Maskulinity and the ideas that I have for this brand excites me.
My ability to create has been a protective factor for me all throughout my childhood into adulthood. It has carried me through the most harmful and traumatizing moments. It presented itself in my poetry throughout high school and college. It created beautiful and meaningful music. At this time, it will create a beautiful website with content for those to read and listen to. I’m thankful for my ability to create and the amount of self-discovery that it has brought me.
