Imani: Faith
Growing up in a household with a father who is a pastor introduced me to religion. Since I was young, my dad always told me that religion could only point me to a god but does not create a relationship with God. My full name has biblical roots, with my first name meaning “strong leader” and my middle name meaning “God will always be with you”. He gave me a purposeful name that I still, in my most depressed moments, remind myself what my name means. There are moments in my life when I should’ve lost my faith in God. There are moments in my life that I, at times, blamed God for out of anger. As I get older my relationship with God has become less punitive and more restorative. I started to realize that my relationship with God really mirrored my relationship with myself. If I was being unkind and harmful to myself then I will ultimately believe that God is doing the same to me. The moment I started to change the way I spoke to myself, is when I started to talk with God differently.
My faith has been the strongest characteristic throughout my life. I was baptized at 9 years old. My father was the man who baptized me. I grew up being told that I was fearfully and wonderfully made and that God will never leave me nor forsake me. I carried that with me through my most troubled moments. I carried that through my doubts and worries about the future. Small bible verses helped remind me of what I am capable of if it just keep faith the size of a mustard seed. Sometimes, I had nothing to be certain about. There were moments when things looked bleak for me but in those moments, I held onto a small amount of faith and God has always brought me through.
This year tested my faith. As an essential worker, I walked into work every day with no option of working from home for whatever reason oppressive systems come up with. I walked through hospital hallways while people were dying in emergency rooms. I got on public transportation 5 days out of the week with my mask on while navigating through a work environment that wasn’t empathic and a relationship that wasn’t emotionally supportive. My faith has brought me through the hardest breakup I’ve ever experienced. All I really had was God in those moments on the train and at work. My evenings home, after reading Bell Hooks, I would sit there and meditate. I would try to have conversations with God as I walked through my day and before I went to bed at night. This year I leaned on God more than I have since I was 18 years old. I’ve always talked to God but this year hit different.
By walking in my faith, I believe God supplied me with my every need. He supplied me and my family with good health through this pandemic. He has opened opportunities for me both professionally and personally. God blessed me with the people that I have in my life right now. He’s blessed me with the opportunity to see this new phase that I am stepping into while creating a support system that supplies me with all the love I need. I walk into this new year with faith that God will continue to guide me through like He has in the past. I think about Joshua Chapter 1 verse 9: be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. I also think about the story of Joshua and how much God trusted him to lead His people. My faith sometimes shrinks in size but as long as it is the size of a mustard seed and as long as I do my best to stay strong and courageous, I will make it through. I step into this New year with faith that all things will fall into place the way that God intends for it to be. I have faith that I will be ready for my future blessings. I will use my faith to combat my fear of change and progress. I will use my faith to nurture the unhealed parts of me that are afraid of change and progress. I will use faith to let that part of me know that it will be okay: that love and faith will carry me through.
