Kujichagulia: Self Determination
Making decisions on my own has been a struggle for me in my adult life. This is primarily due to my inability to trust myself in moments that are critical. I started this first half of the year transitioning from being a worried man stuck in his teenage and young adult years of indecisiveness to a man in his late 20’s giving himself space to figure things out: allowing myself to make mistakes and make difficult decisions. The most difficult decisions, for me, are decisions that benefit me. I struggled with “what will this person think?” syndrome. I always wanted to be seen as perfect and righteous. The anxiousness that came with my attempt to be perfect, led me to not make decisions at all and made matters worse for me in some situations.
What was causing me to not know which direction to go? I think back to when I was little: motivated and confident. All these qualities that I had when I was younger followed me throughout life but was mainly present in the academic and professional aspects of my life. In my personal life I was not that confident and I was not that motivated to make a decision for me by me. I was always afraid to make an intuitive decision in my personal life out of fear that someone would disapprove (mainly my parents). From preteens until my mid-twenties, I lived in this fear of social judgement. In my own head, filled with the feeling of anxiety, I made my decisions based on what I thought other people would want from me. I didn’t trust myself. I would go to my friends and pretend to know what I was going to do just so I could hear what I thought they would approve of. I was heavily dependent on other’s opinions of me.
Self-determination wasn’t something that was encouraged in my household. There was no time nor room to make a decision for myself because there were things that needed to get done. My parents were trying their best to manage three different personalities at three different phases of development while also navigating through their marriage. There was no time for “Joshua, what school do you want to go to?” There was only space for convenience. There is also the reality that where I grew up wasn’t the safest place and my parents told me to do what they told me out of fear that if I didn’t, something traumatic would happen to me. I know their close micromanaging parenting style was out of their own anxiety. I was a Black boy with brightness navigating through systems that continuously wanted to dim that light. I couldn’t see that light within myself but those around me seemingly did.
That light within me carried throughout my life. Teachers, friends, and family members pointing it out to me but I was too detached and unaware to accept what they were saying. I didn’t know who to be nor how to be. I felt like the light they were seeing was only due to me performing well in school. To me, it was an “in the moment temporary feeling” that just came with the territory of being a good student who wasn’t too loud. I wanted opinions but rejected them at the same time. If the opinion didn’t tell me what my insecurities wanted to hear or what my indecisiveness needed, I would feel incomplete and without direction. I was trying to piece together a compass with other people’s materials. As I grew into an adult, I realized that no one could guide me to my true purpose but I knew I needed help in order to figure out what was stopping me from trusting myself and how I can undo this cycle of indecisiveness.
I remember my first session with my therapist. She asked me how I was doing and I didn’t know how to answer it. I knew how other people in my life were doing and I knew how the people who sought me for therapy were doing but I didn’t know how I was doing. I wasn’t aware of that part of myself enough. I would drown myself in the work that I do and define myself by my latest achievement or who I was in a relationship with at the time. I defined myself through the lens of others so much that I was detached from myself. The work to find direction was difficult. I feared losing people due to the changes that I was looking for in life. I feared who I would become if I changed. I was worried if the people I love would approve of these changes. I was trapped in my own emotional and mental prison of mistrust toward myself. I was only recycling what my parents had instilled in me in order to keep me safe. I was using tools of survival that no longer served a purpose: it was not going to help me grow nor find my own purpose. It was only going to create spiritual, emotional, and mental stagnation.
I was stuck in so many ways but through therapy, meditation, praying, journaling, and leaning on my friends for support instead of looking for their approval, I was able to exist more in my purpose. I was able to define what brings me peace, stillness, joy, and motivation. I found the things that motivate me in the morning and give me a sense of self. In stillness and in peace is when I feel closer to my true self. It prepares me for the moments that are hurtful and disappointing. I worked hard to build a foundation of unwavering love for self. I chose peace. Peace, though at times, was boring for the traumatized self that looked for more hurtful/harmful encounters to feel alive, I knew it was the right choice. I started to look at the concept of freedom and free will differently. I look at it now as an element to life that travels with us. There is no specific thing that will bring me the feeling of freedom. I also know that in a system that we as Black people live in, that freedom through our oppressors will not be granted to us anytime soon. I realized that I had to and have to continue to travel with freedom in my heart.
My practice of self-determination comes with the understanding that I will always choose peace and I will always resist any situation that dehumanizes and minimizes who I am. I will consistently choose peace because a peaceful and still version of me creates space for me to imagine. In a state of peace and stillness I am able to see myself, be aware of how I feel, and make a decision on where I would like to be. I know me working on my confidence and loving myself out of my insecurities will only strengthen my ability to make decisions that feed my spirit: thus, feeding my purpose. I have made decisions to give healthy distance to situations that drained me while also leaning into situations that challenged me to be a better person. I’ve determined that my purpose will always be fulfilled as long as I have faith in my ability to sustain the practice of self-determination. I understand in order to keep the practice of self-determination, I will have to set boundaries with myself and others. I will lovingly have to hold myself accountable and stay true to myself. I will, most importantly, trust my ability to make decisions and trust that my God will never leave me nor forsake me throughout this process of learning myself. I am continuously learning how to trust myself with making decisions and I have to acknowledge my ability to do so through self love.
